Fresh start.

Sometimes I just want to start over fresh. Know no one. New people. Then maybe ill find something worth living for. Someone worth living for. Someone worth fighting for. 

A girl can dream and this girl is going to sleep to dream. 

Good night world, I hope I don't see you again. 

Another night. Cf

It's another night. Another night that I want to run away and start anew. Another night that I think I'm making wrong decisions. Another night that I doubt my judgement. Another night that I  wish I was someone else. Another night where dreams are better than reality. Another night where I shall try to stay asleep forever. It's just another night. 

Happy Birthday, my dear dear Savio..

This entry is dedicated to a very special someone..
I wonder if any of you can relate¡K.
just try¡K

"life is short" and its true...

now... work with me here...

now think of a person
you love very much
and is very dear to you...

you got it...?

ok next...

what if that person...
the one you love so much...
is in the hospital right now..?

and you go to visit them...

and you see blood everywhere...
soaking their clothes and bed...
it's splattered on the floor too...

and tubes stabbed in their body
through their mouth...
nose... arms, veins, legs,
randomly on their body,
all fingers and toes...

they have a mask on their face....
it pumps air in to their lungs....

the machine breathes for them..

you gettin this image in
your head of u'r loved one...?

then...
you see their once
energetic eyes closed...
they're in a deep sleep...

the doctor put them
to sleep so they wouldn't be in pain...

their smile faded away¡K

they are even coughing up random blood..

they even throw up blood...

there are blood packets
hanging on the racks tahts have
tubes tahts insert in to
them to supply them with blood...

there are also random fluid
hanging on the racks
which are inserted
in their body with tubes too...

lovely sight eh...?

their lips are black
as blood escapes from
the corner of their mouth...

their body is lifeless...
just laying there...
as you see their chest
moves up and down
from the air pushed
 in them by the machines...

the doctor said
they have no chance¡K
no hope¡K

they are afraid to
touch them cuz
their scars won't heal
and keep bleeding...

all their organs
are failing and
their slowly dying...

tick tock....

what is going through your mind...?

any second it could be their time to go¡K

what would you do¡K

what would you say¡K?

What are your last words
to a person who can¡¦t hear you¡K

This entry to dedicated to a VERY special some one¡K

My lil sweetie¡K

Who¡¦s been with me for as long as I can remember¡K

(Tessy holding Savio, Dayton holding Raphael)

Who was always there to lift me up with his smile..

His warm hugs and soft kisses¡K

(Savio, Tessy, Raphael, Dayton)

He¡¦s so freakin special to me
and I juss wish he knew that¡K

My little darling¡K

He was like my son¡K.
he always called me his sister¡K heh¡K

My..Savio¡K

( Raphael, Tessy, Savio)

I took care of him since
 he was born and til¡K
he was 6¡K

6 short years with him¡K
and he was taken to the hospital¡K

I remember that night
the ambulance came to take him away..

I was watching tv with him
and he said it was cold..

I got a blanket for him
and wrapped him up in it
and held him in my arms ¡K

He still said it was cold
 and I held him tighter wondering
what was wrong with him¡K

So I put my cheek to his head
and he was cold..ice cold¡K
and I¡¦m like whoa.. it¡¦s not that cold¡K

So I told him to go brush his teeth and go to bed¡K

He said he was too cold to move¡K

So I carried him there
and helped him brush his teeth¡K.

He makes sucha cute spiting sound
when he spits out he water¡K

Any way¡K

So I carried him to his bed
and covered him with blankets¡K

He and I¡¦d sleep in the bed with him..
it was a twin bed¡K

Cuz he was usually scared of the dark.
And he needed me there to keep him company¡K

So I stay¡¦d and he soon fell asleep
while I was holding him
and I went back up stairs in my room
to go get ready for homework¡K

Soon I heard screaming downstairs
and wonder what was wrong

I went down stairs and
I see my grandma holding Savio¡K

While his nose was gushing out
blood and coughing up blood¡K

There was blood everywhere¡K

His mother was on her way home from work¡K

So was his father¡K

They called for an ambulance..

And they dressed Savio up¡K

His mother carrying him¡K

And when they walked out
of the house to the ambulance¡K

It started snowing¡K

I was starring out my window
as they took him away¡K

Well I got a chance to see him yesterday¡K

He was all bloated¡K
 he didn¡¦t even look like himself anymore¡K

All the hospital machine beeping..

His mother crying¡K

He was gonna die¡K

They had to wait for the father
to come bak for the parents of Savio to discuss..

To discuss the termination
 of the machine that breathes for him¡K
his.. life¡K

My mother shipped me off
before the doctor came
to discuss how they were gonna do it¡K

I went up to him when I had to go¡K
I tryed not to cry as i talked to him¡K
I said..
¡¨Savio¡K can you hear me¡K?
I have to go Savio¡K
I have to go now¡K
bye Savio¡K
I love you¡K.
I have to go now¡K.
bye¡K.¡¨

I was petting his hair..
 as I usually used to do..
and he would usually be like a cat¡K
and juss brush up against my hand..
hehe he was like me..
I used to act lie ka cat and he would copy me¡K
he used to meow too hehe.. cuz I go meow¡K
and he would crawl around on all fours
trying to pretend to be my cat.. heh¡K

He loved my cat¡K
 my cat would jump and
he would get freaked out and
I would carry my cat to him
and hold it and he would softly pet it
and giggle¡K

Tessy mishes her lil sweetie so much¡K

My mom was saying to his mom¡K

¡§you kno¡K
their only prolonging it¡K
look at him¡K he¡¦s suffering¡K¡¨

and his mom reply¡¦d¡K

¡§ I kno.. but I can¡¦t let my baby go¡K
mommy doesn¡¦t wanna let you go Savio¡K¡¨

I don¡¦t want to let him go either¡K

All these memories¡K

When he was a baby..

Till elementary school..

Heh, I remember one time..

He had a bully the tied him up
with a jump rope and
Savio was sad coming out of school
when I picked him up
and I¡¦m like whats wrong

He¡¦s like,
oh sum kid was picking on me..

And I¡¦m like who..

So he pointed him out
and I went up the the kid
and picked him up
and told him,
 u bother my cuzin,
u die,
so then I threw him in a bush
and Savio laughed haha..

Sigh..

He was supposed to come to my wedding..

He was supposed to come to my graduation¡K

Hehe¡K

All dressed up..

And I was supposed to disapprove
of his first girlfriend juss for fun¡K

Well I guess everything happens for a reason..

But I would like to know what that reason was..

He was the perfect kid..

He wasn¡¦t spoiled..
he was nice to everyone..

Shy lil kid¡K

All my friends loved him to death..

He would hide behind me¡Ksoo cute..

I have so much things to write about him..
so much to tell him¡K

The time was cut short..

Antoher memory was whne
I first visited him in the hospital..

When he could walk again¡K

He held on to me for support
and had to walk slowly¡K

I wantd to juss carry him..

But he needed to regenerate
the muscles in his leg after
lying on a bed for a year or so¡K

And he can¡¦t and gave me a hug
and a kiss even tho his lips
were soo chapped and dry¡K

He had jsus finished chemotherapy and
was bald and
I was rubbing his hair with my cheek..

He¡¦s the sweetest little kid ever..

I guess I¡¦ll stop here¡K

Savio.. I love you so much sweetie¡K

Do you even remember me sweetie¡K?

After 5 years in the hospital..?

His birthday was july 7^th..

He was going to turn 11 on july 7^th 2005¡K

My..lil Savio¡K.

Y wouldn¡¦t you come back..?

Remember..? u were supposed
to come watch the fireworks with me again..

You woudlnt¡¦ sit on the grass..
 so I sat and u sat on me..

Your butt is so boney Savio.. heh¡K

And the loud fireworks scared you..

So I had to cover your ears
as u watched excitedly..

Every time I see fire works
it reminds me of you sweetie..

We stil lhave so many movies to watch Savio¡K

Heh.. remember when
 u started singing
¡§baby hit me one more time¡¨
 by b. spears?

You were sooo cute
 holding a comb and
 wiggling u¡¦r lil butt¡K

Hehe. And i remember
u loved getting choke slammed
in to the couch by Dayton..

Savio¡KI love you so much¡K

And I hoped and wished
that you would be returning home¡K

But I guess this is it¡K

I love and miss you so much

I don¡¦t wanna say good bye to you¡K
but I have to¡K

g¡Kgoodbye sweetie..

the last goodbye you would
ever get to hear from me..

Savio¡KGood-Bye¡K

v.ediT.v - pictures added...

his parents couldn't tell
the doctor to let him off the resipirator..
he's still alive... barely...
their waiting for Savio to leave...
on his own....

please don't leave...

====v.ediT.v====

thanx Bri...

Hell of Inferno (3:49:27 PM): hey there beautiful... i know you're at teh hospital, or are on your way to...
just saying that im leaving at 4... well.. actually, i have to go now...
and.. be strong... dont let this bring you so down that you'll cry endlessly...
i know you love him so much...
im sure he knows that and he loves you too.
im sure that if he could help it, hed get better just to see you smile...
i know i would ....
well.. just... be strong.. for yourself, for me.. and especially for him...
take care tessy
dont let tears ruin that beautiful face of yours...
i love you so much tessy...
take care..
*hugs her and kisses her*
cya....

(hehe.. thanx love...)

thanx to all of you that tried to comfort meeh...

====v.ediT.v====

i went to visit him one last time...

his mother wanted her other son

raphael to see him before he goes...

i was expecting him to be better but..

it was waay..waay worse...

his blood was almost gushing
through his skin cuz everything inside is blood..

his skin was cold...

so Raphael couldn't stand it..

he left the room

everyone one follow'd him back to the parenting room

i stayed and talked to Savio...

i said...

" Savio...

Savio..

it's me...

jea jea...
( sister in chinese)
( he used to always call me that)

i'm here...

savio...

wake up..

i'm here to see you..

i came just to see you..

i love you Savio..

i'm going to come back ok..?

i'll visit again..

so u have to get better...

promise me you'll get better...

Savio..

can you hear me..?

can you hear what i'm saying..??

grip my hand like you used to Savio...

give me my kiss...

sweetie..

wake up..

i love you...

please..

wake up...

i miss you...

i have to go now Savio...

you get better now...

i lvoe you..

dont' ever forget that Savio..

you hear me??

i love you...

i have to go now...

bye Savio..

i love you so much...

bye sweetie..."

then i had to go cuz Raphael wanted to go home...

then i get back and my mom tells me
thats she's going back to the hospital..

i ask.. y?

she goes..

after they let Raphael see Savio..

they've decided to...

let him go in an hour...
an hour never look'd so short...

what if you loved one
only had an hour left to live...?

Savio..

you kno i love you..

and i hope that..

we'll meet again..

i wish i could have a son just like you..

the perfect son...

perfect brother...

just.. perfect...

i hope u'r more relax'd
in a better place my darling..

all that suffering you have gone through...

i hope u feel more at ease...

i miss you sweetie...

Good bye Savio....

i love you...

(Tessy holding Savio, Dayton holding Raphael)

V
V
V
V
V

it's over...

::Time of Death ::
March 24, 2005, Thursday, 7:15pm

Savio Yuen, we will miss you...

::..-R.I.P-..::

Dreams

I just had a dream. I was at a carnival with my cousins Savio and R. For some reason there was a guy carrying snakes and one bit Savio. It was poisonous. I carried him and his limp body around trying to get out and find help but the guy with the snake was everywhere. I was trying to protect R and carry Savio.

Why is it that in most of my dreams of Savio he's dying? Or dead. Or he's telling me goodbye cause he has to go. Last time he didn't even finish his chicken nuggets.

I miss him. I still wonder what kind of man he would grow up to be if he was allowed to grow up. I guess reading about the child who died at the Boston marathon brought up Savio in my mind. He was also a carefree living kid that loved everything in the world. He was smart and shy.

RIP little guy. I hope ill see you again some day.

Thinking

I just wish P would stop getting mad at me over the smallest things. I wonder when will I be happy again. I also wonder why all my posts are depressing. I just have a depressing life. Time for dreams that are better than reality. Good night blog.

Wishes

I wish, most of all in the world, to be stronger. To be able to get up when I'm down. To pick myself up and dust off the past. To be able to leave when I am not treated right. To be able to say no more and pack up and walk out the door. To not turn around and wonder if what I did was right. To not be under appreciated and respected. To not be lied to and just take it. If I was stronger, I would be able to say I WON'T take this anymore and be able to pick up and leave. To collect the pieces of my broken heart, put them in my pocket for safe keeping, and walk away with my head held high and no regrets. To know I deserve better. To know I deserve to be loved. To know I can do better. To not be ignored any longer  and find someone who truly loves me for me and takes care of me and knows how much I'm worth. To not take me for granted and to love me wholeheartedly, unconditionally, and faithfully.

Is it so wrong to want someone to be there for me? Is that too much to ask for?